They are two of the finest ladies I know, and tonight is our night!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Debris of Dissociation
My family recently made the decision to no longer be members of the church we've attended for thirteen years.
It feels like a divorce. Or what I imagine a divorce might feel like, and that is "awful." And so weird.
In the early stages of the situation, I felt far removed and objective. I was able to listen to my mom and say things like "mm hmm, man, that is so ridiculous." Or "wow, that's hard," and I didn't really feel much beyond sadness for my parents. I was, after all, an every-other-week attender, going to my husband's church on the off sundays and so already had one foot out the door.
But also, nothing feels real until it is final.
Our last Sunday was hard. At every moment I was thinking, this is the last time __________ will ______________. or, I will never sit here, stand here, sing here with these people again. And that's when I really started to pay attention to what we were leaving:
People.
People, people, people.
People I love and have loved since elementary school. Friends who joked with me or cried for me or drank coffee with me, and none of them who knew that we would not be back. And then, some people who let me down, let my parents and my brothers down.
After the service ended, I went out into the commons and tried to act like I always have, except that I wanted to hug some people real close and say "I am going to miss you," "Thank you for coming to my high school musicals," "I really think you're special," and because I couldn't I had a pain in my throat.
I could go on now and say things that I should about how God is so faithful and triple omni-good, and that even though I'm disappointed I am looking forward to _____________________. But I'm so bad at goodbyes, I hold grudges, and I hurt for a long time. An elephant never forgets, you know?
All those things my mom was talking about have just caught up with me and I can't help thinking of ways I might make a scene.
If I go quietly, will they even know that I'm gone... Will they even care?
So this is my small moment to say that I'm sad about all of it and I know I will think of it for a long time. I will wonder about those people and how they've moved on... and how they step around the debris.
It feels like a divorce. Or what I imagine a divorce might feel like, and that is "awful." And so weird.
In the early stages of the situation, I felt far removed and objective. I was able to listen to my mom and say things like "mm hmm, man, that is so ridiculous." Or "wow, that's hard," and I didn't really feel much beyond sadness for my parents. I was, after all, an every-other-week attender, going to my husband's church on the off sundays and so already had one foot out the door.
But also, nothing feels real until it is final.
Our last Sunday was hard. At every moment I was thinking, this is the last time __________ will ______________. or, I will never sit here, stand here, sing here with these people again. And that's when I really started to pay attention to what we were leaving:
People.
People, people, people.
People I love and have loved since elementary school. Friends who joked with me or cried for me or drank coffee with me, and none of them who knew that we would not be back. And then, some people who let me down, let my parents and my brothers down.
After the service ended, I went out into the commons and tried to act like I always have, except that I wanted to hug some people real close and say "I am going to miss you," "Thank you for coming to my high school musicals," "I really think you're special," and because I couldn't I had a pain in my throat.
I could go on now and say things that I should about how God is so faithful and triple omni-good, and that even though I'm disappointed I am looking forward to _____________________. But I'm so bad at goodbyes, I hold grudges, and I hurt for a long time. An elephant never forgets, you know?
All those things my mom was talking about have just caught up with me and I can't help thinking of ways I might make a scene.
If I go quietly, will they even know that I'm gone... Will they even care?
So this is my small moment to say that I'm sad about all of it and I know I will think of it for a long time. I will wonder about those people and how they've moved on... and how they step around the debris.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
My pictures are worth so many words.
As a newlywed couple, recently unemployed and planning to move in the next month, we sure are two of the busiest coons you ever did see. *knee splap*
This is in part due to the fact that the majority of our friends are twenty-somethings looking to tie the knot (as it were), but also because we took the Spice Girls' lyrics to heart and are spicing up our life. (Don't deny it, Steven.)
Here's the thing, as a consequence of the aformentioned spicier life -and this is where it gets tricky for you as the reader- I have a LOT to say. We've done one fantastic, beautiful thing after another and it's worth talking about!... but it makes for long-winded stories. Luckily, my camera goes where we go and sees what we see, which means (mathemetically speaking, ahem): a LOT to say divided by pictures from my camera equals more show than tell. Let's get to it!
This is on the way to Colorado Springs for a wedding of one of Steven's best Peace Corps friends. This was our first road trip as a husband and wife, which means that we had a ton of snacks! We also got awesome gas mileage and enjoyed leaving the dark Kansas skies behind us.
Here we are doing Xtreme sports at Garden of the gods. Basically this means that we straddled some red rocks while talking like pro-wrestlers. "Xxxxxxtreeeeemmmeee Spppp(spit)ooorts!" If you are ever in Colorado, go here.
We also did something called 20 Mile High bike ride. If you are thinking that we biked twenty miles, up hill, you are giving us way too much credit. This is a special bike tour where a nice man in a rickety van drives you and your bike twenty miles up a mountain, drops you off, and lets you go! If you have ever ridden down a hill and loved it, go to the mountains and give it a try! We're talking 2.5 hours of nothing but the wind in your hair and the sun burning your calves!
But truly, we got to ride through old mining tunnels and linger at heart-stopping views to our hearts content.
And then, of course, we went to an amazing wedding.
Next! Dun da da DUN! We went to the Mumford and Sons concert with some good friends, the Yates's... ess. It was at City Market, on a hot "spring" evening, with ten thousand other people, and it was great! I feel I should mention, however, the absurd attitude of many towards tall people who attend concerts. Never have I seen so much anger directed at the back of another's... back because their height made it hard to see. Girls glaring at guys, guys glaring at girls! People accidently bumping in to their neighbor to send a little message saying, "I just want you to know that you're ruining my night. And it may not be your fault, but it is all. your. fault."
OK, it's late and I'm tired. I'll post more soon. Thanks for reading, for checking in every once in awhile even though it takes me ages to update! Happy summer days, everyone! Love, McK
This is in part due to the fact that the majority of our friends are twenty-somethings looking to tie the knot (as it were), but also because we took the Spice Girls' lyrics to heart and are spicing up our life. (Don't deny it, Steven.)
Here's the thing, as a consequence of the aformentioned spicier life -and this is where it gets tricky for you as the reader- I have a LOT to say. We've done one fantastic, beautiful thing after another and it's worth talking about!... but it makes for long-winded stories. Luckily, my camera goes where we go and sees what we see, which means (mathemetically speaking, ahem): a LOT to say divided by pictures from my camera equals more show than tell. Let's get to it!
This is on the way to Colorado Springs for a wedding of one of Steven's best Peace Corps friends. This was our first road trip as a husband and wife, which means that we had a ton of snacks! We also got awesome gas mileage and enjoyed leaving the dark Kansas skies behind us.
Here we are doing Xtreme sports at Garden of the gods. Basically this means that we straddled some red rocks while talking like pro-wrestlers. "Xxxxxxtreeeeemmmeee Spppp(spit)ooorts!" If you are ever in Colorado, go here.
We also did something called 20 Mile High bike ride. If you are thinking that we biked twenty miles, up hill, you are giving us way too much credit. This is a special bike tour where a nice man in a rickety van drives you and your bike twenty miles up a mountain, drops you off, and lets you go! If you have ever ridden down a hill and loved it, go to the mountains and give it a try! We're talking 2.5 hours of nothing but the wind in your hair and the sun burning your calves!
But truly, we got to ride through old mining tunnels and linger at heart-stopping views to our hearts content.
And then, of course, we went to an amazing wedding.
Next! Dun da da DUN! We went to the Mumford and Sons concert with some good friends, the Yates's... ess. It was at City Market, on a hot "spring" evening, with ten thousand other people, and it was great! I feel I should mention, however, the absurd attitude of many towards tall people who attend concerts. Never have I seen so much anger directed at the back of another's... back because their height made it hard to see. Girls glaring at guys, guys glaring at girls! People accidently bumping in to their neighbor to send a little message saying, "I just want you to know that you're ruining my night. And it may not be your fault, but it is all. your. fault."
OK, it's late and I'm tired. I'll post more soon. Thanks for reading, for checking in every once in awhile even though it takes me ages to update! Happy summer days, everyone! Love, McK
Monday, May 16, 2011
To squeeze your brain
Steven and I recently went to the library and I left with a stack of books. I eat one up and wash it down with another; they are so good! And the more I read, the more I want to read, but more than that, I want to write.
I'm not sure what I want to write. I can't think of a theme for my blog, but it seems like the most succesful blog writers have a specific horn they blow. I suspect if my blog is only ever about me and what I feel and think and smell, it will go thiiiiiiis far. (not far)
Who is my target audience and what do they want to hear about? It probably has to be people experiencing things similar to what I'm experiencing, right? And let's just face it, it isn't going to be an inspirational cooking blog or travel blog (at least not yet).
Maybe this blog should be about you. Volunteers, anyone?
By the by, here is one of, oh, a TRILLION photos our photographer took. Is very nice, no?
I'm not sure what I want to write. I can't think of a theme for my blog, but it seems like the most succesful blog writers have a specific horn they blow. I suspect if my blog is only ever about me and what I feel and think and smell, it will go thiiiiiiis far. (not far)
Who is my target audience and what do they want to hear about? It probably has to be people experiencing things similar to what I'm experiencing, right? And let's just face it, it isn't going to be an inspirational cooking blog or travel blog (at least not yet).
Maybe this blog should be about you. Volunteers, anyone?
By the by, here is one of, oh, a TRILLION photos our photographer took. Is very nice, no?
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Signs of a good life
It’s difficult to be candid with my blog when my readership is made up of my husband, a few close friends, and my mothers… If I say this they’ll a) worry about me b) question my sanity c) bemoan my potty-mouth or d) all of the above. But lately, I have been so all over the place emotionally, if I don't say something, I will implode-explode and take all of you down with me.
You see, here I am at this crazy huge transition in my life -by which I mean “a handful of basic life transitions that I’m handling as well as a punch to the boob"- and I'm sad. I've gotten married (awww) one of the most amazing things ever, and the wedding party is over, people. Just about every single person I love was in the same building, for one evening, celebrating with us, eating, dancing, laughing... and then with a deep sigh, it ended.
Did we drive down the street, pull over in to a McDonald's parking lot, and consider turning back around to rejoin the party after our sparkler exit? Yes. Hell. Yes.
Our wedding was amazing. Having hundreds of people tell me I looked beautiful was awe.some. Flitting from table to table like a celebrity bride who glamourously does NOT have enough time for pictures (well maybe just one) is the best!
And I know what you're thinking. Waa waa, so you are really blessed and you had a memorable night! Own it and move on. Let some other people get married already.
And you're right. The fact that I miss our wedding just goes to show that we had a wedding worth missing.
But this leads me on to say that the older one gets (shut up, I know I'm 22), the fewer and farther inbeteween are the epic parties. What's left after our wedding? Our kids' birthdays? Our 50th wedding anniversary? Turning 70? AS IF! And when the next party comes around, where will all of our loved ones be?
Our friends are graduating and moving and embracing their own adventures. I mean, WE'RE moving, for goodness sake, and looking forward to that has my evolution into a mature adult spiraling into reverse. I constantly have to fight the urge to stand in the middle of the grocery store and cry "I want my mom!"
Where is everyone going and why is it happening so fast? How has it been a month since we said our vows? Why does this life go so quickly?
These are the thoughts I have constantly looping through my head and I have GOT to figure out what to do with them.
Up until now I've been letting them fill every space I'm in until I can't hardly breathe. I'm mourning and I'm not always sure why. And so I've decided that I'm going to try to start using my insight for good instead of evil.
I'm so happy for my friends, of which I have many, and I want these good things for them.
The east coast has sea food, and for that I am grateful.
My brothers cannot stay little forever and my parents cannot always hold my hand.
I cannot stop time, but I can stop wearing a watch.
And, in the words of my wonderful and wise high school choir director: "You have to make your own party."
You have to make your own party.
You see, here I am at this crazy huge transition in my life -by which I mean “a handful of basic life transitions that I’m handling as well as a punch to the boob"- and I'm sad. I've gotten married (awww) one of the most amazing things ever, and the wedding party is over, people. Just about every single person I love was in the same building, for one evening, celebrating with us, eating, dancing, laughing... and then with a deep sigh, it ended.
Did we drive down the street, pull over in to a McDonald's parking lot, and consider turning back around to rejoin the party after our sparkler exit? Yes. Hell. Yes.
Our wedding was amazing. Having hundreds of people tell me I looked beautiful was awe.some. Flitting from table to table like a celebrity bride who glamourously does NOT have enough time for pictures (well maybe just one) is the best!
And I know what you're thinking. Waa waa, so you are really blessed and you had a memorable night! Own it and move on. Let some other people get married already.
And you're right. The fact that I miss our wedding just goes to show that we had a wedding worth missing.
But this leads me on to say that the older one gets (shut up, I know I'm 22), the fewer and farther inbeteween are the epic parties. What's left after our wedding? Our kids' birthdays? Our 50th wedding anniversary? Turning 70? AS IF! And when the next party comes around, where will all of our loved ones be?
Our friends are graduating and moving and embracing their own adventures. I mean, WE'RE moving, for goodness sake, and looking forward to that has my evolution into a mature adult spiraling into reverse. I constantly have to fight the urge to stand in the middle of the grocery store and cry "I want my mom!"
Where is everyone going and why is it happening so fast? How has it been a month since we said our vows? Why does this life go so quickly?
These are the thoughts I have constantly looping through my head and I have GOT to figure out what to do with them.
Up until now I've been letting them fill every space I'm in until I can't hardly breathe. I'm mourning and I'm not always sure why. And so I've decided that I'm going to try to start using my insight for good instead of evil.
I'm so happy for my friends, of which I have many, and I want these good things for them.
The east coast has sea food, and for that I am grateful.
My brothers cannot stay little forever and my parents cannot always hold my hand.
I cannot stop time, but I can stop wearing a watch.
And, in the words of my wonderful and wise high school choir director: "You have to make your own party."
You have to make your own party.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Directions: Pop a bag of Popcorn, recline and read.
OK, so they don't know they're fans either, but here's the deal:
They overbooked our flight and offered a $400 dollar voucher to anyone willing to take the next flight out.
Uh, duh. We'll do that!
Aaaaand they've given me $12 for dinner; it's just enough for a banana, a bottle of water, and a loaded cobb salad. Yumm.
So, on behalf of my dinner, the time to write this post and whatever trip they've just made easier on our pocketbook (do people say pocketbook anymore?), Thank you, Continental! (And thanks to my husband for his support :)
Now, let's talk wedding!
I have to apologize in advance for all of the things I will forget to mention, and even more for all of the things I don't know how to mention...
One of the magical things about weddings is all of the people who come through for you to make sure that everything you do and do not know about gets done. Gah, we had like thirty talented, joyful, tireless people who contributed to that special day and we are struck dumb with gratitude. Literally.
Thank you so much for _____________________. We want to high five you for _______________________. And if you hadn't done _______________________, who knows where we'd be!
OK, now here are some things I do know about our wedding that contributed to making it the best ever.
1) My bridesmaids kick total ass. Each one of them took days out of their schedules to follow me around, do my makeup, pick up guests, pick up coffees, pick up last minute shoes, unstack a billion chairs, light a thousand candles, throw me ra-diculous parties, give me massages, laugh at my jokes and save the world. etc.
They made me feel beautiful, they made me feel special and they made me certain, a thousand times over, that Jesus loves me and he loves my friends and he gave us to each other.
2) Our families are rock stars. Steven and I have amazing brothers who give great speeches and/or dance with their sister. They all helped set up, take down and transport stuff and people all weekend and we are certain that no brothers are as great as ours. Not to mention aunts and uncles and cousins who came early and stayed late to make our day happen. Aunt Ashley, thanks for my beautiful hair!
3) Our Parents. Bam. It's scientifically proven and emotionally supported that no child can adequately thank their parents for all that they do. Steven and I are exhibit A proof. Our parents gifted us the most beautiful wedding and reception, fed us a deLICious rehearsal dinner, listened to us, worked hard-core to make sure we had everything we wanted/needed, and then showed up looking goooooooood to support us. Our moms only cried a lot and not a ton (ha. kidding.) and our dads smiled and kept things cool. We love them. Everyone loves them. Half of our guest list was made up of people who came just because they love our parents and that is awesome.
4)The Stones drove up from Texas with the always charming Charlotte to be a part of our wedding. If being in love with eachother weren't motivation enough, Steven and I might have gotten married just to bring them back to Kansas.
5) Josh Vaughn is a great DJ and friend.
6) Rick Pardee is the most humble and talented light stringer EVER.
7) Jeannie Gish plays the piano so beautifully, I would pay her to set my entrance every where I go. Seriously.
8) My ACME Gift ladies made sure I had every flower I dreamed of on every table I wanted them. I hope you noticed the vases and crazy-great assortment of flowers and I hope you know to hook them up with some biiiz-nessss because they will not disappoint. And basically, Jenny Willis is the most genuinely happy person I've ever met- get some of her in your life STAT.
9) Jeff Moore is an easy going, good-humored photographer and he made us very happy. I can't wait for you all to see the amazing pictures he/we took!
10) Lowman United Methodist was a beautiful and meaningful setting for our wedding and we are so thankful for the space and all of the hands that went in to preparing it.
11) Our guests- our friends and family- were amazing. I'm still blown away by all of the different places in the world that were represented at our wedding, not to mention all of the different seasons of our lives (Peace Corps, work, school, church etc). We love you all so much. Thank you for taking the time out of your lives to be there. We are so so so so blessed. Now come over and eat dinner with us!
Ultimately, however, the best and most awesome part of the day was/is Steven. Not only was he present throughout the planning as an ear for ideas, a shoulder to whine on, and smile to encourage, he is constantly loving and glad to have me. His confidence in the days leading up to the wedding and his willingness to share me with my friends was such a blessing. Standing in front of him, in front of all of you, was totally ordained in some heavenly place and I love him.
P.S.
I've probably forgotten things... Maybe you're glad that I did because this was a marathon post and you're tired! Just know, this post only ended because I had to catch a flight and not because I didn't have twenty thousand other things to say about why our wedding was perfect because you're perfect.
<3
Monday, April 11, 2011
Thoughts before the flight
Are you familiar with the windstorm we had in Kansas a few days ago? It wasn't a classified tornado, but it sure shook things up for people.
"Where was the warning?"
"Where are my shingles?"
"Where the EFF did my fence go?!?"
So I ask, what looks like a tornado, acts like a tornado and smells like a tornado?
The days before and after a wedding.
Steven and I have belongings everywhere; things we set down and have yet to pick back up. If you find a shoe or a purse, it's mine. Give it back.
But seriously, our sleeping has been exchanged for moving in to the apartment and figuring out where to put a TON of awesome gifts with a limited space and we need a dresser, STAT. We went to bed at 2:00am and woke up again at 3:00am to make our flight to Baltimore and I am feeling the days of non-stop activity in the tightness of my flats on my swollen feet.
It's pretty awesome to be married, as new and foreign as it still is. I keep thinking: My mom's finger nails are still a golden shade to match her dress; Some of our friends and family who came from so far away have yet to return to their homes; I still have some time before I have to go to work... and so on. Just all those details that were so significant of our BIG DAY that are still lingering in the corners of its completion.
We're married. It happened and it happened fast and I wasn't ready to let it go.
But now, it's time to start new things. I'm still super torn about giving up my name. Steven and I have talked about it, how it becomes a part of your identity and he agrees it would be hard to let that go. I'm glad I still have some time to figure it out; to try on a different name, see how it fits, see how it feels.
And of course, in a very short amount of time, we'll be moving to the East Coast. Holy crab cakes, Batman!
I just wanted to tell you all that I'm going to write a wedding post to rock your world. That I would stand up on the security scanner right here in this air port and shout to the KCI world that my friends and family are the best in the world if it wouldn't hurt our plans.
Thank you thank you thankyouadsf;lkjas;ldfja;lsd, for all you did to fill up that sanctuary and reception with love and joy and encouragement. We can't think of a better way to start our life together than with all of you surrounding us.
I wish you love.
Catch you on the flip-side!
Love, Us.
"Where was the warning?"
"Where are my shingles?"
"Where the EFF did my fence go?!?"
So I ask, what looks like a tornado, acts like a tornado and smells like a tornado?
The days before and after a wedding.
Steven and I have belongings everywhere; things we set down and have yet to pick back up. If you find a shoe or a purse, it's mine. Give it back.
But seriously, our sleeping has been exchanged for moving in to the apartment and figuring out where to put a TON of awesome gifts with a limited space and we need a dresser, STAT. We went to bed at 2:00am and woke up again at 3:00am to make our flight to Baltimore and I am feeling the days of non-stop activity in the tightness of my flats on my swollen feet.
It's pretty awesome to be married, as new and foreign as it still is. I keep thinking: My mom's finger nails are still a golden shade to match her dress; Some of our friends and family who came from so far away have yet to return to their homes; I still have some time before I have to go to work... and so on. Just all those details that were so significant of our BIG DAY that are still lingering in the corners of its completion.
We're married. It happened and it happened fast and I wasn't ready to let it go.
But now, it's time to start new things. I'm still super torn about giving up my name. Steven and I have talked about it, how it becomes a part of your identity and he agrees it would be hard to let that go. I'm glad I still have some time to figure it out; to try on a different name, see how it fits, see how it feels.
And of course, in a very short amount of time, we'll be moving to the East Coast. Holy crab cakes, Batman!
I just wanted to tell you all that I'm going to write a wedding post to rock your world. That I would stand up on the security scanner right here in this air port and shout to the KCI world that my friends and family are the best in the world if it wouldn't hurt our plans.
Thank you thank you thankyouadsf;lkjas;ldfja;lsd, for all you did to fill up that sanctuary and reception with love and joy and encouragement. We can't think of a better way to start our life together than with all of you surrounding us.
I wish you love.
Catch you on the flip-side!
Love, Us.
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