Thursday, December 8, 2011


Pre-teen sensation, Jackie Evancho, blows my mind. If you don’t know who she is, follow this link and prepare to be stunned. If you do know who she is, follow the link anyway. Every time she opens her mouth, you’ll do a double take.

WTF, right? Crazy.

I don’t really see myself buying any of her music… I mainly just want to watch the second before she starts singing and the second after, over and over again. That big, round sound coming from her tiny frame confuses my eyes. It also makes me laugh. Is that horrible, that it makes me laugh? She’s beautiful and precious, and her little arms are so fluid when she waves them up and down, but I cannot get over the combination of mature-lady-opera-voice and blue-eyed-doll-baby.

I can’t help but notice how it smacks of potential to be an SNL skit. Kind of like this skit with Kristen Wiig, where you expect one thing (attraction) and get another (repulsion). 

Which brings me to the point: I have started to categorize my life in two ways; Situations That Would Make a Killer SNL Skit and Life Experiences That Would Make a Funny Sitcom. What you need to understand is that, whatever the category, I have basically stopped living life in reality and started living it in Technicolor. I have ten different TV shows I watch throughout the week, each functioning like a course in Social Studies or Home Economics. I sit down with a pen and notebook and take notes from my favorite characters on how to live.

No, I don’t.

But I do think that, in these trying times of adulthood, I have learned some valuable things from my prime-time friends.

·         New Girl has taught me that communicating is easier if you sing what you’re trying to say. Steven and I have had lots of conversations built on melody when they might have been built on frustration. La la laaaa.

·         Up All Night has shown me that being married can take two weird people and make them even weirder.
o   1 Weird + 1 Weird= Too weird (And I know what kind of “to” I used, okay.)

·         Modern Family has reminded me that, after you’ve given up trying to change the people in  your life, you will finally see what is so wonderful about them exactly as they are… If there is anything wonderful, and let’s be honest, sometimes there are no wonderful things. Make them up.

·         The Office has taught me the beauty of a versatile phrase. In my mouth. That’s what she said.

·         And Harry Potter has taught me the most... about being a friend and a hero and a dancer. Not a TV-show, you say? Take a hike! Harry Potter  is everything. *Ugly sobbing*

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Harm City

Driving on the beltway today, I was thinking about how the cars weaving in and out of each other looked like a dance. If that dance were a death wish, combined with rage and idiocy.

Drivers here are terrible.

Initially, I let myself think, McKenna, you are just a precious girl from nowhere Kansas. You don’t understand what it’s like to drive in a city, where people’s lives are so important and busy.
I even let myself think, people here drive so fast because they care so much about being punctual, and that is beautiful.

But the bulls**t stops here, I lie no more.

I wasn’t caught so off guard by the drivers here because they are great city drivers. It is, in fact, because they are awful. I’m not weird because I grew up with the bumpkin delusions that red lights and speed limits matter, THEY’RE weird because they think they don’t. They don’t understand blinkers or pedestrian crosswalks; yellow lights or white lines. They get in their cars and all that is humane leaves them until they are nothing but crazed speed racers cutting me off.

Which is why, when a woman slowed to let me MERGE ONTO THE HIGHWAY the other day, I nearly cried. I found myself over-responding to her kindness because it had been so darn long since I experienced road-way courtesy. I was waving, blowing kisses, and throwing roses at her car.

When you’re used to operating in one extreme, any semblance of normalcy can really light your fire.

Beware the mid-atlantic byways, and for godssake, midwest people, kiss the ground you drive on.

And then get the hell out fo the way, someone from Baltimore might be passing through.

Lilo and Twitch

Today marks the third day of my spastic eye twitch. It is not awesome. Every few seconds, the lower lid of my right eye quivers. I can see it and I can feel it but I cannot stop it.

If it doesn’t end soon, I know I will end up punching myself in the face. Desperate times…

I read an article about the possible causes of eye-twitching and, while I can weed out a couple of them, most of them were right on. See list:
  • Stress
  • Tiredness
  • Eye strain
  • Caffeine
  • Alcohol
  • Dry eyes
  • Nutritional imbalances
  • Allergies
So, I’ve narrowed the list down to three: tiredness, eye strain, and nutritional imbalances. Through the process of elimination and smartness, I can probably get rid of tiredness because, let’s be honest, I’m always tired. My life is just so awesome and crazy! I’m always partying and dancing until midnight and stuff. Nice try, tiredness… But, deciding between eye strain and nutritional imbalances is a little more difficult.

You see, I’ve just started another diet. My body is in shock, not used to being denied such nutritionally balanced foods like bags of chips, packages of Oreos, and spoonfuls of Nutella. All signs clearly point to nutritional imbalance being the cause of my twitch. Nutritionally, my body is balancing precariously on a diet.

However, just for a laugh, let’s consider eye strain, and how I sit a foot away from a computer screen staring for eight hours, every day. And also how I drive home in the dark, and usually don’t have my glasses on me. And also, how my eyeballs suck and can’t read things far away and give me headaches.
Turns out, according to Jesus and the top scientists of our time, the eyes weren’t made to function under such circumstances. They were created to look at hills and flowers and loved ones’ faces. They were created to hunt and gather and NOT always be copying and pasting into excel spreadsheets.

It’s probably true that my eye is twitching from eye strain, but as I cannot do anything about needing a job and having to work, it looks like the only thing I can do to limit the twitch is recommence my previous diet.

*Interestingly enough, my eye never once twitched while I wrote this.

*No eyeballs were harmed in the making of this post.