Late Bloomer

I found out yesterday that a local community theater is holding auditions for a summer musical. Since I spend half of my waking hours wishing I were a famous actress and the other half reading about famous actors, the thought of acting again dazzled me.

I found the theater group up online and scoured their archives for photos and videos of past productions. Initially, I thought that it would be a piece of cake to land a roll, and maybe a good roll, if I pulled myself together by Saturday morning. I compared myself to what I was seeing and figured a group that operates out of a school auditorium would be right up my alley.

But then I started watching videos of girls who were five years younger than me, adorable, confident and talented. And then I started reading everything I could find about the actors: articles in local papers, facebook about me sections, and interviews... these people have been acting together for years and years! They spend their summers building the sets and the show, and then hundreds of people turn out for their weekend performances.

I felt really intimidated after all of the digging and comparing. My voice is decent, but my range is limited and I haven't had a voice lesson since I sang Josh Groban for senior night at SHHS. I don't have character shoes or tights anymore. I weigh twenty pounds more and carry half the confidence that I used to...

And then I wondered if it were even possible for me to commit to rehearsals two nights a week and every Saturday. Between both of our schedules, we're already pretty busy. And would it matter that I'll be gone for a week in June?

In an evening, I explored the sides of myself that are extremely irrational and whiny and the part of me that can be practical. Folks, I even dreamed about auditioning, and it did NOT go well. Trying to decide if I want to try out for a musical has stirred up a lot of questions in me about what I want to do as a twenty-something. Are my hobbies the same? Am I dis-interested or am I just afraid? Do I even want to write or act or sing or dance, and if I actually wanted to do those things, wouldn't I be doing them?

Am I doing what I want to do, is it the same as what I used to want to do?

Blast it, I don't know.

I'd just like to be at peace with who I am, where I am. I thought I was old yesterday, looking at those high-schoolers, but I'm pretty much a big baby. A giant baby, using mini cannolis as pacifiers (um, delicious) and without a clue in the world.

Just like I never left...

The weight loss competition has ended and in its absence it has left a black hole (somewhere in the vicinity of my face), which has started to suck down an unbelievable amount of food. Obviously, this is all out of my control. If I knew more about black holes and what they are, maybe I could combat what's happening to me... Alas, thinking of space and blackness and forver-nothingness has always freaked me out, so I've never pursued more information.

Also, my Spanish desk calendar's phrase for the day is "Mi estomago hace ruidos raros." My stomach is making weird noises.

How did it KNOW!?

I don't even want to know what tomorrow's phrase is because, if it's following my life as closely as it seems to be, it's bound to be something like "Do you have these pants in a bigger size?"

I do NOT need to know how to say that.

The good news is, I dropped some pounds. I did some things in the three months of the competition that I've never done before. I ran three miles in one evening. I counted calories every day. On the days where I lost control and consumed more than I care to admit, I promised myself I would start over the next day and then I started over. More than anything, it was a great learning experience. It also kind of ruined my life because now that I know what I know about the amount of sugar and carbs and cals in my favorite foods, it doesn't feel so great to indulge anymore.

I'm not at the point where, if interviewed by Shape magazine, you would hear me say "Now, instead of ice cream, I prefer a fresh peach!" (seriously, a woman said that) but I do eat less cereal in the morning. I still want donuts and waffles etc. amen.

I think I'll keep going, because I didn't get to my goal weight. I also want new clothes and I can't justify the purchases unless my pants are falling off. My office isn't THAT business casual.