It’s difficult to be candid with my blog when my readership is made up of my husband, a few close friends, and my mothers… If I say this they’ll a) worry about me b) question my sanity c) bemoan my potty-mouth or d) all of the above. But lately, I have been so all over the place emotionally, if I don't say something, I will implode-explode and take all of you down with me.
You see, here I am at this crazy huge transition in my life -by which I mean “a handful of basic life transitions that I’m handling as well as a punch to the boob"- and I'm sad. I've gotten married (awww) one of the most amazing things ever, and the wedding party is over, people. Just about every single person I love was in the same building, for one evening, celebrating with us, eating, dancing, laughing... and then with a deep sigh, it ended.
Did we drive down the street, pull over in to a McDonald's parking lot, and consider turning back around to rejoin the party after our sparkler exit? Yes. Hell. Yes.
Our wedding was amazing. Having hundreds of people tell me I looked beautiful was awe.some. Flitting from table to table like a celebrity bride who glamourously does NOT have enough time for pictures (well maybe just one) is the best!
And I know what you're thinking. Waa waa, so you are really blessed and you had a memorable night! Own it and move on. Let some other people get married already.
And you're right. The fact that I miss our wedding just goes to show that we had a wedding worth missing.
But this leads me on to say that the older one gets (shut up, I know I'm 22), the fewer and farther inbeteween are the epic parties. What's left after our wedding? Our kids' birthdays? Our 50th wedding anniversary? Turning 70? AS IF! And when the next party comes around, where will all of our loved ones be?
Our friends are graduating and moving and embracing their own adventures. I mean, WE'RE moving, for goodness sake, and looking forward to that has my evolution into a mature adult spiraling into reverse. I constantly have to fight the urge to stand in the middle of the grocery store and cry "I want my mom!"
Where is everyone going and why is it happening so fast? How has it been a month since we said our vows? Why does this life go so quickly?
These are the thoughts I have constantly looping through my head and I have GOT to figure out what to do with them.
Up until now I've been letting them fill every space I'm in until I can't hardly breathe. I'm mourning and I'm not always sure why. And so I've decided that I'm going to try to start using my insight for good instead of evil.
I'm so happy for my friends, of which I have many, and I want these good things for them.
The east coast has sea food, and for that I am grateful.
My brothers cannot stay little forever and my parents cannot always hold my hand.
I cannot stop time, but I can stop wearing a watch.
And, in the words of my wonderful and wise high school choir director: "You have to make your own party."
You have to make your own party.