Thursday, September 15, 2011

Hope is the Thing

Scientifically speaking, there is a twenty degree difference between "just OK" and "complete bliss". I am in complete and utter bliss right now, and I don't care who knows it. A cloudy day with enough chill to give me goosebumps, enough reason to wear pants and pour a cup of coffee. And then pour a cup of tea. If I'd had somewhere to go, I would have worn a scarf.

...I don't know what to make of this post. I don't want to sound like a writer with fluffy things to say about feelings and seasons. Today, I want to write something with pointy elbows and dirt under the finger nails, something altogether human.

Sometimes I look back, remembering myself in middle school and high school, and what I see more than anything is the way my younger self was constantly looking forward. I was a part of a youth group that urged us to desperately and wholly seek God. How many times did I squeeze my eyes shut and ball my hands together, begging God to divulge details about my future? It was consuming, and there are many good things that came from it. To be a part of a community that so strongly pursued Christ is irreplaceable. But also, it has left me wanting. Now that the majority of the hormones and naivety of my youth are fading, the outward expressions of my faith have changed to become much more reflective. The things that fueled me before, the dancing and crying and talking, are being replaced.

I do not think I know more than I knew then. I know things differently. I am learning and unlearning and relearning. And still, I am looking forward. I have an interview tomorrow and it makes me wonder about what I'm meant to do on a grander scale. How will I live this life? When will it ignite? I keep expecting an explosion, but maybe it is more like a steady flame, sometimes dimmer and brighter.

In the truest sense of the word, Amen.

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