They are two of the finest ladies I know, and tonight is our night!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Debris of Dissociation
My family recently made the decision to no longer be members of the church we've attended for thirteen years.
It feels like a divorce. Or what I imagine a divorce might feel like, and that is "awful." And so weird.
In the early stages of the situation, I felt far removed and objective. I was able to listen to my mom and say things like "mm hmm, man, that is so ridiculous." Or "wow, that's hard," and I didn't really feel much beyond sadness for my parents. I was, after all, an every-other-week attender, going to my husband's church on the off sundays and so already had one foot out the door.
But also, nothing feels real until it is final.
Our last Sunday was hard. At every moment I was thinking, this is the last time __________ will ______________. or, I will never sit here, stand here, sing here with these people again. And that's when I really started to pay attention to what we were leaving:
People.
People, people, people.
People I love and have loved since elementary school. Friends who joked with me or cried for me or drank coffee with me, and none of them who knew that we would not be back. And then, some people who let me down, let my parents and my brothers down.
After the service ended, I went out into the commons and tried to act like I always have, except that I wanted to hug some people real close and say "I am going to miss you," "Thank you for coming to my high school musicals," "I really think you're special," and because I couldn't I had a pain in my throat.
I could go on now and say things that I should about how God is so faithful and triple omni-good, and that even though I'm disappointed I am looking forward to _____________________. But I'm so bad at goodbyes, I hold grudges, and I hurt for a long time. An elephant never forgets, you know?
All those things my mom was talking about have just caught up with me and I can't help thinking of ways I might make a scene.
If I go quietly, will they even know that I'm gone... Will they even care?
So this is my small moment to say that I'm sad about all of it and I know I will think of it for a long time. I will wonder about those people and how they've moved on... and how they step around the debris.
It feels like a divorce. Or what I imagine a divorce might feel like, and that is "awful." And so weird.
In the early stages of the situation, I felt far removed and objective. I was able to listen to my mom and say things like "mm hmm, man, that is so ridiculous." Or "wow, that's hard," and I didn't really feel much beyond sadness for my parents. I was, after all, an every-other-week attender, going to my husband's church on the off sundays and so already had one foot out the door.
But also, nothing feels real until it is final.
Our last Sunday was hard. At every moment I was thinking, this is the last time __________ will ______________. or, I will never sit here, stand here, sing here with these people again. And that's when I really started to pay attention to what we were leaving:
People.
People, people, people.
People I love and have loved since elementary school. Friends who joked with me or cried for me or drank coffee with me, and none of them who knew that we would not be back. And then, some people who let me down, let my parents and my brothers down.
After the service ended, I went out into the commons and tried to act like I always have, except that I wanted to hug some people real close and say "I am going to miss you," "Thank you for coming to my high school musicals," "I really think you're special," and because I couldn't I had a pain in my throat.
I could go on now and say things that I should about how God is so faithful and triple omni-good, and that even though I'm disappointed I am looking forward to _____________________. But I'm so bad at goodbyes, I hold grudges, and I hurt for a long time. An elephant never forgets, you know?
All those things my mom was talking about have just caught up with me and I can't help thinking of ways I might make a scene.
If I go quietly, will they even know that I'm gone... Will they even care?
So this is my small moment to say that I'm sad about all of it and I know I will think of it for a long time. I will wonder about those people and how they've moved on... and how they step around the debris.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
My pictures are worth so many words.
As a newlywed couple, recently unemployed and planning to move in the next month, we sure are two of the busiest coons you ever did see. *knee splap*
This is in part due to the fact that the majority of our friends are twenty-somethings looking to tie the knot (as it were), but also because we took the Spice Girls' lyrics to heart and are spicing up our life. (Don't deny it, Steven.)
Here's the thing, as a consequence of the aformentioned spicier life -and this is where it gets tricky for you as the reader- I have a LOT to say. We've done one fantastic, beautiful thing after another and it's worth talking about!... but it makes for long-winded stories. Luckily, my camera goes where we go and sees what we see, which means (mathemetically speaking, ahem): a LOT to say divided by pictures from my camera equals more show than tell. Let's get to it!
This is on the way to Colorado Springs for a wedding of one of Steven's best Peace Corps friends. This was our first road trip as a husband and wife, which means that we had a ton of snacks! We also got awesome gas mileage and enjoyed leaving the dark Kansas skies behind us.
Here we are doing Xtreme sports at Garden of the gods. Basically this means that we straddled some red rocks while talking like pro-wrestlers. "Xxxxxxtreeeeemmmeee Spppp(spit)ooorts!" If you are ever in Colorado, go here.
We also did something called 20 Mile High bike ride. If you are thinking that we biked twenty miles, up hill, you are giving us way too much credit. This is a special bike tour where a nice man in a rickety van drives you and your bike twenty miles up a mountain, drops you off, and lets you go! If you have ever ridden down a hill and loved it, go to the mountains and give it a try! We're talking 2.5 hours of nothing but the wind in your hair and the sun burning your calves!
But truly, we got to ride through old mining tunnels and linger at heart-stopping views to our hearts content.
And then, of course, we went to an amazing wedding.
Next! Dun da da DUN! We went to the Mumford and Sons concert with some good friends, the Yates's... ess. It was at City Market, on a hot "spring" evening, with ten thousand other people, and it was great! I feel I should mention, however, the absurd attitude of many towards tall people who attend concerts. Never have I seen so much anger directed at the back of another's... back because their height made it hard to see. Girls glaring at guys, guys glaring at girls! People accidently bumping in to their neighbor to send a little message saying, "I just want you to know that you're ruining my night. And it may not be your fault, but it is all. your. fault."
OK, it's late and I'm tired. I'll post more soon. Thanks for reading, for checking in every once in awhile even though it takes me ages to update! Happy summer days, everyone! Love, McK
This is in part due to the fact that the majority of our friends are twenty-somethings looking to tie the knot (as it were), but also because we took the Spice Girls' lyrics to heart and are spicing up our life. (Don't deny it, Steven.)
Here's the thing, as a consequence of the aformentioned spicier life -and this is where it gets tricky for you as the reader- I have a LOT to say. We've done one fantastic, beautiful thing after another and it's worth talking about!... but it makes for long-winded stories. Luckily, my camera goes where we go and sees what we see, which means (mathemetically speaking, ahem): a LOT to say divided by pictures from my camera equals more show than tell. Let's get to it!
This is on the way to Colorado Springs for a wedding of one of Steven's best Peace Corps friends. This was our first road trip as a husband and wife, which means that we had a ton of snacks! We also got awesome gas mileage and enjoyed leaving the dark Kansas skies behind us.
Here we are doing Xtreme sports at Garden of the gods. Basically this means that we straddled some red rocks while talking like pro-wrestlers. "Xxxxxxtreeeeemmmeee Spppp(spit)ooorts!" If you are ever in Colorado, go here.
We also did something called 20 Mile High bike ride. If you are thinking that we biked twenty miles, up hill, you are giving us way too much credit. This is a special bike tour where a nice man in a rickety van drives you and your bike twenty miles up a mountain, drops you off, and lets you go! If you have ever ridden down a hill and loved it, go to the mountains and give it a try! We're talking 2.5 hours of nothing but the wind in your hair and the sun burning your calves!
But truly, we got to ride through old mining tunnels and linger at heart-stopping views to our hearts content.
And then, of course, we went to an amazing wedding.
Next! Dun da da DUN! We went to the Mumford and Sons concert with some good friends, the Yates's... ess. It was at City Market, on a hot "spring" evening, with ten thousand other people, and it was great! I feel I should mention, however, the absurd attitude of many towards tall people who attend concerts. Never have I seen so much anger directed at the back of another's... back because their height made it hard to see. Girls glaring at guys, guys glaring at girls! People accidently bumping in to their neighbor to send a little message saying, "I just want you to know that you're ruining my night. And it may not be your fault, but it is all. your. fault."
OK, it's late and I'm tired. I'll post more soon. Thanks for reading, for checking in every once in awhile even though it takes me ages to update! Happy summer days, everyone! Love, McK
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