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Pre-teen sensation, Jackie Evancho, blows my mind. If you don’t know who she is, follow this link and prepare to be stunned. If you do know who she is, follow the link anyway. Every time she opens her mouth, you’ll do a double take.

WTF, right? Crazy.

I don’t really see myself buying any of her music… I mainly just want to watch the second before she starts singing and the second after, over and over again. That big, round sound coming from her tiny frame confuses my eyes. It also makes me laugh. Is that horrible, that it makes me laugh? She’s beautiful and precious, and her little arms are so fluid when she waves them up and down, but I cannot get over the combination of mature-lady-opera-voice and blue-eyed-doll-baby.

I can’t help but notice how it smacks of potential to be an SNL skit. Kind of like this skit with Kristen Wiig, where you expect one thing (attraction) and get another (repulsion). 

Kristen Wiig: Ski Retreat Skit

Which brings me to the point: I have started to categorize my life in two ways; Situations That Would Make a Killer SNL Skit and Life Experiences That Would Make a Funny Sitcom. What you need to understand is that, whatever the category, I have basically stopped living life in reality and started living it in Technicolor. I have ten different TV shows I watch throughout the week, each functioning like a course in Social Studies or Home Economics. I sit down with a pen and notebook and take notes from my favorite characters on how to live.

No, I don’t.

But I do think that, in these trying times of adulthood, I have learned some valuable things from my prime-time friends.

·         New Girl has taught me that communicating is easier if you sing what you’re trying to say. Steven and I have had lots of conversations built on melody when they might have been built on frustration. La la laaaa.

·         Up All Night has shown me that being married can take two weird people and make them even weirder.

o   1 Weird + 1 Weird= Too weird (And I know what kind of “to” I used, okay.)

·         Modern Family has reminded me that, after you’ve given up trying to change the people in  your life, you will finally see what is so wonderful about them exactly as they are… If there is anything wonderful, and let’s be honest, sometimes there are no wonderful things. Make them up.

·         The Office has taught me the beauty of a versatile phrase. In my mouth. That’s what she said.

·         And Harry Potter has taught me the most... about being a friend and a hero and a dancer. Not a TV-show, you say? Take a hike! Harry Potter  is everything. *Ugly sobbing*

Harm City

Driving on the beltway today, I was thinking about how the cars weaving in and out of each other looked like a dance. If that dance were a death wish, combined with rage and idiocy.

Drivers here are terrible.

Initially, I let myself think, McKenna, you are just a precious girl from nowhere Kansas. You don’t understand what it’s like to drive in a city, where people’s lives are so important and busy.

I even let myself think, people here drive so fast because they care so much about being punctual, and that is beautiful.

But the bulls**t stops here, I lie no more.

I wasn’t caught so off guard by the drivers here because they are great city drivers. It is, in fact, because they are awful. I’m not weird because I grew up with the bumpkin delusions that red lights and speed limits matter, THEY’RE weird because they think they don’t. They don’t understand blinkers or pedestrian crosswalks; yellow lights or white lines. They get in their cars and all that is humane leaves them until they are nothing but crazed speed racers cutting me off.

Which is why, when a woman slowed to let me MERGE ONTO THE HIGHWAY the other day, I nearly cried. I found myself over-responding to her kindness because it had been so darn long since I experienced road-way courtesy. I was waving, blowing kisses, and throwing roses at her car.

When you’re used to operating in one extreme, any semblance of normalcy can really light your fire.

Beware the mid-atlantic byways, and for godssake, midwest people, kiss the ground you drive on.

And then get the hell out fo the way, someone from Baltimore might be passing through.

Lilo and Twitch

Today marks the third day of my spastic eye twitch. It is not awesome. Every few seconds, the lower lid of my right eye quivers. I can see it and I can feel it but I cannot stop it.

If it doesn’t end soon, I know I will end up punching myself in the face. Desperate times…

I read an article about the possible causes of eye-twitching and, while I can weed out a couple of them, most of them were right on. See list:

• Stress
• Tiredness
• Eye strain
• Caffeine
• Alcohol
• Dry eyes
• Nutritional imbalances
• Allergies

So, I’ve narrowed the list down to three: tiredness, eye strain, and nutritional imbalances. Through the process of elimination and smartness, I can probably get rid of tiredness because, let’s be honest, I’m always tired. My life is just so awesome and crazy! I’m always partying and dancing until midnight and stuff. Nice try, tiredness… But, deciding between eye strain and nutritional imbalances is a little more difficult.

You see, I’ve just started another diet. My body is in shock, not used to being denied such nutritionally balanced foods like bags of chips, packages of Oreos, and spoonfuls of Nutella. All signs clearly point to nutritional imbalance being the cause of my twitch. Nutritionally, my body is balancing precariously on a diet.

However, just for a laugh, let’s consider eye strain, and how I sit a foot away from a computer screen staring for eight hours, every day. And also how I drive home in the dark, and usually don’t have my glasses on me. And also, how my eyeballs suck and can’t read things far away and give me headaches.

Turns out, according to Jesus and the top scientists of our time, the eyes weren’t made to function under such circumstances. They were created to look at hills and flowers and loved ones’ faces. They were created to hunt and gather and NOT always be copying and pasting into excel spreadsheets.

It’s probably true that my eye is twitching from eye strain, but as I cannot do anything about needing a job and having to work, it looks like the only thing I can do to limit the twitch is recommence my previous diet.

*Interestingly enough, my eye never once twitched while I wrote this.

*No eyeballs were harmed in the making of this post. 

You want to be stranded on an island with me.

Oh my gosh, do you even remember who I am!? Is anyone even reading this anymore!? Blergh!

Time and again, my fairy blogmother (I just made that up) has said to me:

McKenna, darlin’, dontcha want the people ter read yer blog? Why then, ya must keep posting on a regular basis.”

 Yeah, she’s an Irish pirate.

To which I say:

Fairy blogmother, don’t be ridiculous. Of course I want to keep my readership. What an unnecessary question.”

So here I am, begging you to stay, dear reader. Pleading with you to keep coming back, keep checking for updates. Because even if I’m not writing blogs with my computer, I’m writing them with my heart. And as we well know, what we do with the heart is what really counts.

I diet, save money, and do laundry with my heart all of the time.

Also, if you keep reading, I’ll tell you really cool things about my life. Like how everything is being held together with paperclips and twisty-ties. I’m not joking.

Earlier this week, I walked into our office building like a professional, grown a** woman. I looked good, with my heels on and my black fake-leather saddlebag swinging from my shoulder. The bag that I bought at Target on sale. The bag that I turned over in my hands in the purse aisle thinking this is cheaply made but, gosh if it isn’t cute! I bought it.

Fast forward: So there I was, standing at the door, doing the awkward you-go-first-ok-I’ll-go-first shuffle with a higher up from the office when my bag dropped off of my shoulder and landed on the floor. HU (Higher Up) said “Oh, man”- looking embarrassed and sympathetic- while I picked up my purse like it was totally normal for it to drop off of my shoulder and said

Well, I guess I can tape it. 

I don’t think that will work.  

No… That’s what I get for filling it too full.

But the truth is, I didn’t fill it too full. I filled it only a little full because I knew it was cheap. I never danced with my bag, swung it around, beat anyone, or used it for a pillow. I put my wallet in it, and we KNOW that weighs nothing… So where there used to be a cute brass button holding my bag together, now there is a paperclip, bent and wrapped around the strap, holding things together. It looks real nice, Clark, real nice.

Also, a screw fell out of my glasses. And then my lens fell out. I have resourcefully corrected this problem with a twisty-tie. The answer to your question is: Yes, I am awesome.

So this Thanksgiving, when you’re searching your brain, thinking of things to be grateful for, be thankful for the things that break, because without them you wouldn’t know that they can be fixed. Almost.

Be kind, please rewind.

While I was cleaning yesterday, I turned on Much Ado About Nothing (VHS style.) When my aunt left to be a teacher in Cairo several years ago, she entrusted me with a collection of her movies- this being one of them- and they are the sole reason I have a VHS player. These movies have gone with me everywhere, first to college and now to Maryland. I carry them like a child carries a blanket, I watch them and feel at home, and when they are over I am homesick.

Yesterday, I thought about the time I watched Romeo and Juliet in the park with my good friend Jason. We didn't stay for the end, leaving early for Winstead's butterscotch shakes and steak fries, but I can remember exactly where we sat and how the stage looked.

I think about the book my friend Caitlin gave me for my birthday last year, a collection of Shakespeare's work which is falling out of its binding and displayed on our piano.

I remember my trip with Steven to the Globe theatre, standing as groundlings for Henry IV in the London rain. It was magical.

And then, back to my aunt and her VHS copy of Sense and Sensibility, with Kate Winslet reciting Sonnet 116, Love is not Love.

...Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny;
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into. Hey nonny, nonny.

Give pause, if you will.

I was walking to the bathroom at work today and saw a notice posted on the door that said:

Is it a cold or the flu?

It went on to list the differences between a cold or the flu, but I did not continue reading, which means I don't know the differences, which means I'm screwed. The next time I cough, I'll spiral into a panic; What is this illness I have!?!

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, no one cares if you have a cold, but if you have the flu, you've got some legit s**t going on. Which got me to thinking about articles and definite articles and which ones people would use if they were talking about my life.  



This is what you'll find if you Google "articles".

Por ejemplo:
Did Steven and I just buy a TV or did we buy the (best frikking) TV?
If you picked the, you are correct! (And if you want me to quit mentioning the new TV, fine.)

Por ejemplo 2:
Did I marry a Steven or the Steven?
Tricky, I know, but I married the Steven.

And finally:
Am I living a life or am I living the life?
And this answer is the trickiest of all because it is both. Sometimes I am living a life and sometimes I am living the life. The articles change based on my perspective. Well, that's not entirely true. I wish I had a womanly enough perspective to say that I am in charge of my articles, living the life, but usually the situations I'm in determine my phraseology. I also have a tendency to give all of my definite articles to the future, thinking that eventually I will have the job and not just a job. And so on.

This is no way to think and no way to live a full life.

I should also say that I could use a little more humility in my day-to-day; more thoughts like I am only one person in the entire world, a person among many. I need to consider how I am situating myself as an a around the most definite article of all, God.

So that's that. I hope none of you get a flu this season.

This one goes out to all you crazy cats and kittens...

Does my title sound vintage, like something you'd hear over the radio in the 50s?  Good.
And does the fact that I used the word "crazy" in the title of my last post hint that maybe life has been just a little crazy lately? Because it has.

Oh I know, I know. You thought all I'd been doing was laying around watching movies on our great TV, which is so far from the truth, my friends. The weeks since my last post have been a little more like this:

Apple picking!

Renaissancing!

And also, we have done other things. 

Steven's schedule is increasingly more busy, which helps me to keep my 9:00 to 5:00 in perspective, when I start missing my do-nothing-days. Not only are his days long, but I remember when I used to be a student (sigh) that studying was always in the back of my head. He's doing really well to balance me and school; he listens to my stories and helps keep our little space clean. He also mentioned that maybe the fall here is a little more colorful than in Kansas and I nearly cried! 

Some immature thing inside of me recoiled when he said that. How disloyal! How east coast of him! 

But now that I've grown up a little bit, I can see that it's true. The fall here is amazing. The billions of trees that, when green, were cramping my style and blocking my sunsets, are now like a sunset all their own. Beautiful, beautiful colors that are especially hard to beat when the sun hits them just right in the morning. It's like driving around in the October page of a seasons calendar... or in one of those tacky pictures in dentist's office that says something like:

Embrace change. 

Well, dentist. I'm trying. Last weekend at church they served a hunk of bread with apple butter for communion. Change. Embrace.

I made a homemade pot pie for dinner. Embrace.

The Chiefs won! Change. Afraid to embrace. 

So you see, I'm taking life in stride. And the biggest change of all will be the end of my temp job this week and the start of my new job in November. I'm excited and a little nervous. All in all, it means I'm one month closer to seeing our family for the Holidays, when I'll be embracing like crazy and begging the days to go slowly.

There is one kind of robber whom the law does not strike at, and who steals what is most precious to men: time. -Napoleon Bonaparte

A year ago, Halloween. We were ourselves.