To squeeze your brain

Steven and I recently went to the library and I left with a stack of books. I eat one up and wash it down with another; they are so good! And the more I read, the more I want to read, but more than that, I want to write.

I'm not sure what I want to write. I can't think of a theme for my blog, but it seems like the most succesful blog writers have a specific horn they blow. I suspect if my blog is only ever about me and what I feel and think and smell, it will go thiiiiiiis far. (not far)

Who is my target audience and what do they want to hear about? It probably has to be people experiencing things similar to what I'm experiencing, right? And let's just face it, it isn't going to be an inspirational cooking blog or travel blog (at least not yet).

Maybe this blog should be about you. Volunteers, anyone?

By the by, here is one of, oh, a TRILLION photos our photographer took. Is very nice, no?

Signs of a good life

It’s difficult to be candid with my blog when my readership is made up of my husband, a few close friends, and my mothers… If I say this they’ll a) worry about me b) question my sanity c) bemoan my potty-mouth or d) all of the above. But lately, I have been so all over the place emotionally, if I don't say something, I will implode-explode and take all of you down with me.

You see, here I am at this crazy huge transition in my life -by which I mean “a handful of basic life transitions that I’m handling as well as a punch to the boob"- and I'm sad. I've gotten married (awww) one of the most amazing things ever, and the wedding party is over, people. Just about every single person I love was in the same building, for one evening, celebrating with us, eating, dancing, laughing... and then with a deep sigh, it ended.

Did we drive down the street, pull over in to a McDonald's parking lot, and consider turning back around to rejoin the party after our sparkler exit? Yes. Hell. Yes.

Our wedding was amazing. Having hundreds of people tell me I looked beautiful was awe.some. Flitting from table to table like a celebrity bride who glamourously does NOT have enough time for pictures (well maybe just one) is the best!

And I know what you're thinking. Waa waa, so you are really blessed and you had a memorable night! Own it and move on. Let some other people get married already.

And you're right. The fact that I miss our wedding just goes to show that we had a wedding worth missing.

But this leads me on to say that the older one gets (shut up, I know I'm 22), the fewer and farther inbeteween are the epic parties. What's left after our wedding? Our kids' birthdays? Our 50th wedding anniversary? Turning 70? AS IF! And when the next party comes around, where will all of our loved ones be?

Our friends are graduating and moving and embracing their own adventures. I mean, WE'RE moving, for goodness sake, and looking forward to that has my evolution into a mature adult spiraling into reverse. I constantly have to fight the urge to stand in the middle of the grocery store and cry "I want my mom!"

Where is everyone going and why is it happening so fast? How has it been a month since we said our vows? Why does this life go so quickly?

These are the thoughts I have constantly looping through my head and I have GOT to figure out what to do with them.

Up until now I've been letting them fill every space I'm in until I can't hardly breathe. I'm mourning and I'm not always sure why. And so I've decided that I'm going to try to start using my insight for good instead of evil.

I'm so happy for my friends, of which I have many, and I want these good things for them.

The east coast has sea food, and for that I am grateful.

My brothers cannot stay little forever and my parents cannot always hold my hand.

I cannot stop time, but I can stop wearing a watch.

And, in the words of my wonderful and wise high school choir director: "You have to make your own party."

You have to make your own party.

Directions: Pop a bag of Popcorn, recline and read.

Courtesy of Continental Airlines, this is my first paid blog post. I didn't know they were fans of my writing!?!?

OK, so they don't know they're fans either, but here's the deal:

They overbooked our flight and offered a $400 dollar voucher to anyone willing to take the next flight out.

Uh, duh. We'll do that!

Aaaaand they've given me $12 for dinner; it's just enough for a banana, a bottle of water, and a loaded cobb salad. Yumm.

So, on behalf of my dinner, the time to write this post and whatever trip they've just made easier on our pocketbook (do people say pocketbook anymore?), Thank you, Continental! (And thanks to my husband for his support :)

Now, let's talk wedding!

I have to apologize in advance for all of the things I will forget to mention, and even more for all of the things I don't know how to mention...

One of the magical things about weddings is all of the people who come through for you to make sure that everything you do and do not know about gets done. Gah, we had like thirty talented, joyful, tireless people who contributed to that special day and we are struck dumb with gratitude. Literally.

Thank you so much for _____________________. We want to high five you for _______________________. And if you hadn't done _______________________, who knows where we'd be!

OK, now here are some things I do know about our wedding that contributed to making it the best ever.

1) My bridesmaids kick total ass. Each one of them took days out of their schedules to follow me around, do my makeup, pick up guests, pick up coffees, pick up last minute shoes, unstack a billion chairs, light a thousand candles, throw me ra-diculous parties, give me massages, laugh at my jokes and save the world. etc.

They made me feel beautiful, they made me feel special and they made me certain, a thousand times over, that Jesus loves me and he loves my friends and he gave us to each other.

2) Our families are rock stars. Steven and I have amazing brothers who give great speeches and/or dance with their sister. They all helped set up, take down and transport stuff and people all weekend and we are certain that no brothers are as great as ours. Not to mention aunts and uncles and cousins who came early and stayed late to make our day happen. Aunt Ashley, thanks for my beautiful hair!

3) Our Parents. Bam. It's scientifically proven and emotionally supported that no child can adequately thank their parents for all that they do. Steven and I are exhibit A proof. Our parents gifted us the most beautiful wedding and reception, fed us a deLICious rehearsal dinner, listened to us, worked hard-core to make sure we had everything we wanted/needed, and then showed up looking goooooooood to support us. Our moms only cried a lot and not a ton (ha. kidding.) and our dads smiled and kept things cool. We love them. Everyone loves them. Half of our guest list was made up of people who came just because they love our parents and that is awesome.

4)The Stones drove up from Texas with the always charming Charlotte to be a part of our wedding. If being in love with eachother weren't motivation enough, Steven and I might have gotten married just to bring them back to Kansas.

5) Josh Vaughn is a great DJ and friend.

6) Rick Pardee is the most humble and talented light stringer EVER.

7) Jeannie Gish plays the piano so beautifully, I would pay her to set my entrance every where I go. Seriously.

8) My ACME Gift ladies made sure I had every flower I dreamed of on every table I wanted them. I hope you noticed the vases and crazy-great assortment of flowers and I hope you know to hook them up with some biiiz-nessss because they will not disappoint. And basically, Jenny Willis is the most genuinely happy person I've ever met- get some of her in your life STAT.

9) Jeff Moore is an easy going, good-humored photographer and he made us very happy. I can't wait for you all to see the amazing pictures he/we took!

10) Lowman United Methodist was a beautiful and meaningful setting for our wedding and we are so thankful for the space and all of the hands that went in to preparing it.

11) Our guests- our friends and family- were amazing. I'm still blown away by all of the different places in the world that were represented at our wedding, not to mention all of the different seasons of our lives (Peace Corps, work, school, church etc). We love you all so much. Thank you for taking the time out of your lives to be there. We are so so so so blessed. Now come over and eat dinner with us!

Ultimately, however, the best and most awesome part of the day was/is Steven. Not only was he present throughout the planning as an ear for ideas, a shoulder to whine on, and smile to encourage, he is constantly loving and glad to have me. His confidence in the days leading up to the wedding and his willingness to share me with my friends was such a blessing. Standing in front of him, in front of all of you, was totally ordained in some heavenly place and I love him.

P.S.

I've probably forgotten things... Maybe you're glad that I did because this was a marathon post and you're tired! Just know, this post only ended because I had to catch a flight and not because I didn't have twenty thousand other things to say about why our wedding was perfect because you're perfect.

<3

Thoughts before the flight

Are you familiar with the windstorm we had in Kansas a few days ago? It wasn't a classified tornado, but it sure shook things up for people.

"Where was the warning?"

"Where are my shingles?"

"Where the EFF did my fence go?!?"

So I ask, what looks like a tornado, acts like a tornado and smells like a tornado?

The days before and after a wedding.

Steven and I have belongings everywhere; things we set down and have yet to pick back up. If you find a shoe or a purse, it's mine. Give it back.

But seriously, our sleeping has been exchanged for moving in to the apartment and figuring out where to put a TON of awesome gifts with a limited space and we need a dresser, STAT. We went to bed at 2:00am and woke up again at 3:00am to make our flight to Baltimore and I am feeling the days of non-stop activity in the tightness of my flats on my swollen feet.

It's pretty awesome to be married, as new and foreign as it still is. I keep thinking: My mom's finger nails are still a golden shade to match her dress; Some of our friends and family who came from so far away have yet to return to their homes; I still have some time before I have to go to work... and so on. Just all those details that were so significant of our BIG DAY that are still lingering in the corners of its completion.

We're married. It happened and it happened fast and I wasn't ready to let it go.

But now, it's time to start new things. I'm still super torn about giving up my name. Steven and I have talked about it, how it becomes a part of your identity and he agrees it would be hard to let that go. I'm glad I still have some time to figure it out; to try on a different name, see how it fits, see how it feels.

And of course, in a very short amount of time, we'll be moving to the East Coast. Holy crab cakes, Batman!

I just wanted to tell you all that I'm going to write a wedding post to rock your world. That I would stand up on the security scanner right here in this air port and shout to the KCI world that my friends and family are the best in the world if it wouldn't hurt our plans.

Thank you thank you thankyouadsf;lkjas;ldfja;lsd, for all you did to fill up that sanctuary and reception with love and joy and encouragement. We can't think of a better way to start our life together than with all of you surrounding us.

I wish you love.

Catch you on the flip-side!

Love, Us.

Saturday in Manhattan

The closer Steven and I get to the wedding, the less I sleep. I sort of fade in and out from sleepy wedding planning to full on wedding obsession.

BAM! We're getting married!

But also, my friend Mel gets married ta-day. As in, at four o'clock this afternoon.

It feels really good to be in Manhattan, where I met her and where her friends became my friends and mine became hers. We're not freshman anymore, but we sure as hell dance and giggle like we'll be young forever.

So how awesome is it to be awake at six, pre-heating the oven for breakfast casserole and playing with each others hair? Ridiculously awesome.

And it's really special to be girls on the verge of bride-dom, taking a deep breath together, knowing that our intendeds are somewhere close by and waiting.

Congratulations, Mel and Mike! I think you're great :)

Miss McKenna writes a post

Right before a significant life change, I always feel especially motivated to get myself together, gather up loose ends, and donate half of my stuff to charity. I've been doing a lot of this lately, looking forward to the wedding and MARRIAGE and moving, and it's not so much preparatory as it is theraputic.

I boxed up half of my clothing, un-boxed half of the half and put it back on hangers... some things are just so damn hard to give away, you know? (It's also nice to have reminders that I once fit into "this" shirt and "those" pants.)

It's been a rapid ascent into adult-hood since Steven came home in September, and I haven't always done a good job of putting on my big girl pants and pushing onwardho! to the things of tomorrow. Really, I haven't even been rejoicing in the present. So that's what I'm working on now: being in the moment and that's a freaking full time job, folks. Especially with all the sweet junk going on right now.

The truth is, I've loved being a Miss. I've loved being young with a vintage soul. I love that my parents gave me more than a house as a kid and have always welcomed me home as an adult. I am so blessed, and even though I tend to mope around in a tres glamorous way, I have known all along that my life is special and awesome. And it's moving so quickly.

Seriously, I know it's nothing new to say that, but I catch myself all the time thinking that if I don't straighten up and love me some daily, average, precious moments, I'm only going to be half of a person who ran out of time to be whole.

I want to be an awesome McKenna. I want to be a crazy awesome Mrs. McKenna Wright. I want Steven to look at our wedding day and see himself in the details, even though I hoarded the planning. But more than that, I want him to look at my life and see himself in all the good things.

I'm sorry you can't all marry him. I really am, because he's amazing and kind and brave. We're going to have a full life and I thank God that with his help I can... well, suck the marrow out of it. Gross.

But thank you, God. And thank you family and friends who have given me boxes of letters I will never be able to throw away, and pictures that give my stomache the special feeling of being on a hill.

And thank you, Steven, for making me feel like the best kind of writer.

I live in an unfinished basement.

Really. I'm confessing it to you. It's worth it though, to live in this basement, because it's really warm even though it's freezing outside.

(I'm lying. It's cold as Voldemort's heart down here.)

The truth is, I live in a cold basement because my parent's are good to me during my transition into graduated/married/adult life. I also live in a cold basement because I graduated a year early just so I could impress people right before I unimpressed them by saying that I have (and have and have) no idea what I want to do.

"I want to write. I want people to read what I write." Is it so pathetic that I haven't written a blogpost since October? One of my favorite professors at K-State said that writers write. "If you're not writing, you're not a writer." Whoa, no wonder she was my favorite.

"I want to speak Spanish." And not just so I can sneak a listen in on people's conversations but so I can... well, I don't know. I just want to finish something I start, and once upon a semester I started learning Spanish.

Well, the list goes on.

I expect no one will read this. Or maybe the eight people who follow me will read this post. But Steven says that's not the point. He says that I should write because it's good for me to do it and that I'll get better and better. (Isn't that what you said, Steven?)